Day 7:
I know I haven't posted the past couple of days and for that, I'm sorry. School has been crazy and I haven't felt the greatest. Anyway, let me bring you up to date.
I haven't pulled the last two days, even though I didn't blog it. I've had the urge, though. I thought about it. I thought, "I could pull my hair right now, I could pull and pull and pull and it would feel so good. I could take my hair down, and feel my hair part over my baldspot and pick at all the sore spots. It would make me feel so happy." But I didn't.
I actually felt my spot today. I usually don't because I don't want the urge, like I know I'll feel if I rub my fingers through the hair. But I wanted to see if hair was growing. It was. I remembered how it felt when I had finished a bad pull session, how I could feel my scalp through the sparse hair left. But now, I could feel nothing but short hair. However, when I started rubbing it, I felt the way the hair parted on my scalp and it drove me crazy the way I wanted to pull just then.
I have a little spiky ball that I tried to play with to distract myself, but it didn't help much. Even though I had the sensation on my fingers, I didn't have the sensation on my scalp. It's frustrating that I can't find relief. I mean, I don't want to pull, but I don't want this urge either.
My dad called last night. He lives in Georgia with my step-mom and little brother. I filled him in on everything new going on in my life. What classes I'm taking, what I'm thinking about doing for college, and my career choices so far. Then I brought up my trich.
"So, lately, I've been trying really hard to stop pulling my hair." I said tentively.
"Oh, you're still doing that?" he asked as casually as if we were still talking about school.
I tried to calm down, but I could already feel the stab that comment made in my good mood from making it this far.
"No, Dad... And why do you say it like that? Like... I don't know."
"Like what? I just thought you'd stopped that, is all."
Another stab.
"No, Dad, it's not that easy..."
"Oh, okay."
I tried to tell myself not to overreact. He didn't know, he didn't understand. It wasn't as if he was trying to hurt my feelings. But still, I was disappointed.
Before, after and incident like that happened, I would probably get on the computer, watch youtube, and most likely pull my hair for a few hours. But now, I couldn't.
It's like learning how to deal with stuff all over again.
DFTBA,
-Ash
Ash, I belong to the group on Yahoo. I love your blog and if your dad can't support you, that in my eyes is sad. My family are the only ones backing me up. Some of my friends are weird like that, but it sucks because every one just asks e why i can't stop. They just don't understand, but you've got us on the site to help you!! - Greta
ReplyDeleteAshley, you also have to remember he isn't here, so what he doesn't see all the time it is hard for him to understand.
ReplyDeleteOn another note... you said, "Before, after and incident like that happened, I would probably get on the computer, watch youtube, and most likely pull my hair for a few hours. But now, I couldn't. It's like learning how to deal with stuff all over again."
You're right... you are having to learn an entirely new type of coping mechanisms. A whole new way of thinking things through, but you're doing it. Sometimes even I have to stop and just look at the next 2 minutes... and I get through that. Then I get through the next 5 minutes. I get through that. Then I get through the next 10. I keep working up. Eventually the anxiety passes. Maybe that's how I got into cleaning the house so much... OH that's what you can do... Clean your ROOM!!!!
Baby, I know you feel like you are underwater, breathing through a straw a the surface sometimes, but more importantly you are doing it. You ARE a survivor and you will beat this. You have to believe in yourself.
The first step in the journey is always the hardest.
love you- the old lady down the hall :)