So, I haven't posted in quite a few days, but, I figure, since I'm doing this mostly for myself, I don't really have an obligation and, therefore, shouldn't feel guilty. At least, that's what I'm telling myself.
So, the past few days... Let's see, what have you missed? I've been having a lot of urges, lately. I have hairs on the sides of my head that I just can't stop playing with. I want to pull them out so badly, but I can't. It's like I can literally hear the little devil on my shoulder saying, "Just pull it our, you don't have to keep going, just pull this one hair out, just one, that's it, it's such a good hair, feel how thick it is, I bet you can get a good root on it, go on, just do it." And I almost did. I've found myself playing with the tiny hairs, kind of hoping that they would just come out on their own if I play with them enough. Then it wouldn't be my fault, but I'd still find relief.
My hair's growing back in well, so far. I can finally put my hair in a braid without a clip. I used to have to put a barrette in my hair before braiding, so the little hairs on the crown of my head wouldn't stick up. Now, I'm excited to say, I don't have to.
Because I've been having so many urges, my mom bumped my NAC up to two twice a day. We;ll see if that works better.
Also, I stopped doing the hair treatment. I just want to see if it will grow back on its own.
I have some other stuff I want to talk about, but I'll leave that for another post.
DFTBA
-Ash
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
New Strategies
Day 8:
Last night, I got my shipment of NAC. I'm excited to see how it works. But then I get scared that it might not work... It says it's only 50% of people find it helpful. Also, my mom and I were in CVS (a drug store in case they don't have them in your state) and I walked by the women's rogain. I had been thinking that it might help me before, I just never actually picked it up. I only pull the little hairs growing back, so maybe, if I use this, it'll help them grow really fast and I won't have the urge to pull them. But, as always, my brain goes through every pessimistic option the situation has. So, I think, "Or you've damaged the follicles too much and they just won't grow back at all." I asked my mom and she bought it for me. Then I noticed that it said it may change the texture or color of the hair. I thought, "Well, if it becomes thicker, then I'm only going to want to pull it more..." But my mom calmed me down and I figured I'd might as well give it a try. So far, though, my hair's coming in so nicely. I can't wait til I can wear pigtails again!
Tonight, my mom wasn't in the room and, without realizing it I pulled a hair from my hairline. I was horrified once I realized what I'd done. I didn't have the urge to pull anymore because I was so upset with myself. But, I'm not going to let this lapse take away everything these 8 days have given me.
DFTBA,
-Ash
Last night, I got my shipment of NAC. I'm excited to see how it works. But then I get scared that it might not work... It says it's only 50% of people find it helpful. Also, my mom and I were in CVS (a drug store in case they don't have them in your state) and I walked by the women's rogain. I had been thinking that it might help me before, I just never actually picked it up. I only pull the little hairs growing back, so maybe, if I use this, it'll help them grow really fast and I won't have the urge to pull them. But, as always, my brain goes through every pessimistic option the situation has. So, I think, "Or you've damaged the follicles too much and they just won't grow back at all." I asked my mom and she bought it for me. Then I noticed that it said it may change the texture or color of the hair. I thought, "Well, if it becomes thicker, then I'm only going to want to pull it more..." But my mom calmed me down and I figured I'd might as well give it a try. So far, though, my hair's coming in so nicely. I can't wait til I can wear pigtails again!
Tonight, my mom wasn't in the room and, without realizing it I pulled a hair from my hairline. I was horrified once I realized what I'd done. I didn't have the urge to pull anymore because I was so upset with myself. But, I'm not going to let this lapse take away everything these 8 days have given me.
DFTBA,
-Ash
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Make-Up Blog
Day 7:
I know I haven't posted the past couple of days and for that, I'm sorry. School has been crazy and I haven't felt the greatest. Anyway, let me bring you up to date.
I haven't pulled the last two days, even though I didn't blog it. I've had the urge, though. I thought about it. I thought, "I could pull my hair right now, I could pull and pull and pull and it would feel so good. I could take my hair down, and feel my hair part over my baldspot and pick at all the sore spots. It would make me feel so happy." But I didn't.
I actually felt my spot today. I usually don't because I don't want the urge, like I know I'll feel if I rub my fingers through the hair. But I wanted to see if hair was growing. It was. I remembered how it felt when I had finished a bad pull session, how I could feel my scalp through the sparse hair left. But now, I could feel nothing but short hair. However, when I started rubbing it, I felt the way the hair parted on my scalp and it drove me crazy the way I wanted to pull just then.
I have a little spiky ball that I tried to play with to distract myself, but it didn't help much. Even though I had the sensation on my fingers, I didn't have the sensation on my scalp. It's frustrating that I can't find relief. I mean, I don't want to pull, but I don't want this urge either.
My dad called last night. He lives in Georgia with my step-mom and little brother. I filled him in on everything new going on in my life. What classes I'm taking, what I'm thinking about doing for college, and my career choices so far. Then I brought up my trich.
"So, lately, I've been trying really hard to stop pulling my hair." I said tentively.
"Oh, you're still doing that?" he asked as casually as if we were still talking about school.
I tried to calm down, but I could already feel the stab that comment made in my good mood from making it this far.
"No, Dad... And why do you say it like that? Like... I don't know."
"Like what? I just thought you'd stopped that, is all."
Another stab.
"No, Dad, it's not that easy..."
"Oh, okay."
I tried to tell myself not to overreact. He didn't know, he didn't understand. It wasn't as if he was trying to hurt my feelings. But still, I was disappointed.
Before, after and incident like that happened, I would probably get on the computer, watch youtube, and most likely pull my hair for a few hours. But now, I couldn't.
It's like learning how to deal with stuff all over again.
DFTBA,
-Ash
I know I haven't posted the past couple of days and for that, I'm sorry. School has been crazy and I haven't felt the greatest. Anyway, let me bring you up to date.
I haven't pulled the last two days, even though I didn't blog it. I've had the urge, though. I thought about it. I thought, "I could pull my hair right now, I could pull and pull and pull and it would feel so good. I could take my hair down, and feel my hair part over my baldspot and pick at all the sore spots. It would make me feel so happy." But I didn't.
I actually felt my spot today. I usually don't because I don't want the urge, like I know I'll feel if I rub my fingers through the hair. But I wanted to see if hair was growing. It was. I remembered how it felt when I had finished a bad pull session, how I could feel my scalp through the sparse hair left. But now, I could feel nothing but short hair. However, when I started rubbing it, I felt the way the hair parted on my scalp and it drove me crazy the way I wanted to pull just then.
I have a little spiky ball that I tried to play with to distract myself, but it didn't help much. Even though I had the sensation on my fingers, I didn't have the sensation on my scalp. It's frustrating that I can't find relief. I mean, I don't want to pull, but I don't want this urge either.
My dad called last night. He lives in Georgia with my step-mom and little brother. I filled him in on everything new going on in my life. What classes I'm taking, what I'm thinking about doing for college, and my career choices so far. Then I brought up my trich.
"So, lately, I've been trying really hard to stop pulling my hair." I said tentively.
"Oh, you're still doing that?" he asked as casually as if we were still talking about school.
I tried to calm down, but I could already feel the stab that comment made in my good mood from making it this far.
"No, Dad... And why do you say it like that? Like... I don't know."
"Like what? I just thought you'd stopped that, is all."
Another stab.
"No, Dad, it's not that easy..."
"Oh, okay."
I tried to tell myself not to overreact. He didn't know, he didn't understand. It wasn't as if he was trying to hurt my feelings. But still, I was disappointed.
Before, after and incident like that happened, I would probably get on the computer, watch youtube, and most likely pull my hair for a few hours. But now, I couldn't.
It's like learning how to deal with stuff all over again.
DFTBA,
-Ash
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Saturday and Still Hanging On
Day 4:
Today is Saturday (duh, Ashley, of course it is) and I did better than I thought I would. Probably due to the fact that I slept 'til one in the afternoon. I guess I figured that without the distraction of school, I'd do worse on the weekends. I have noticed that certain spots on my head have been hurting slightly, though. I've heard that can happen. But, for me, it makes me want to pull more. I feel like pulling would make my scalp feel better (even though it would make ME feel worse...). But I resisted. I've had my hair up in a braid for the past week. Mostly because of two reasons: 1) It keeps the hair out of my face, and 2) I don't trust myself otherwise. If I let may hair down, and my mom wasn't in the room, I think I'd have a much harder time with the temptation. I've also noticed I've been more depressed the past few days. I don't know if this has anything to do with trich or if I just need to change my medication. I don't know... I'm just taking it one day at a time at this point.
DFTBA,
-Ash
Today is Saturday (duh, Ashley, of course it is) and I did better than I thought I would. Probably due to the fact that I slept 'til one in the afternoon. I guess I figured that without the distraction of school, I'd do worse on the weekends. I have noticed that certain spots on my head have been hurting slightly, though. I've heard that can happen. But, for me, it makes me want to pull more. I feel like pulling would make my scalp feel better (even though it would make ME feel worse...). But I resisted. I've had my hair up in a braid for the past week. Mostly because of two reasons: 1) It keeps the hair out of my face, and 2) I don't trust myself otherwise. If I let may hair down, and my mom wasn't in the room, I think I'd have a much harder time with the temptation. I've also noticed I've been more depressed the past few days. I don't know if this has anything to do with trich or if I just need to change my medication. I don't know... I'm just taking it one day at a time at this point.
DFTBA,
-Ash
Friday, February 25, 2011
Lulls and Tools
Day 3:
Okay, so this post might not be very long because I'm not feeling so hot. So, today, I made it without pulling. I'm not having many urges, though... And I'm scared that this might just be a lull. (I don't know if anyone else gets these, but I get lulls in my pulling where, one week, I won't pull as much, and then the next, I'll pull like crazy.) My mom ordered my NAC (that's N-Acetyl-Cystein, to anyone who doesn't know, it's supposed to decrease urges in people with Trich.) yesterday and I'm interested to see how/if it works. I haven't really been doing anything, tool wise, though. I'm using my make-shift spinner ring my mom gave me when I'm uncomfortable or stressed or bored, I've noticed. And I'm planning on making a sign saying "You can do it" to put on my wall, and maybe the art project will occupy me for a few hours. So, yeah, that's pretty much all for right now. I don't really know how to keep going without rambling, so I'm just going to end it here.
DFTBA,
-Ash
Okay, so this post might not be very long because I'm not feeling so hot. So, today, I made it without pulling. I'm not having many urges, though... And I'm scared that this might just be a lull. (I don't know if anyone else gets these, but I get lulls in my pulling where, one week, I won't pull as much, and then the next, I'll pull like crazy.) My mom ordered my NAC (that's N-Acetyl-Cystein, to anyone who doesn't know, it's supposed to decrease urges in people with Trich.) yesterday and I'm interested to see how/if it works. I haven't really been doing anything, tool wise, though. I'm using my make-shift spinner ring my mom gave me when I'm uncomfortable or stressed or bored, I've noticed. And I'm planning on making a sign saying "You can do it" to put on my wall, and maybe the art project will occupy me for a few hours. So, yeah, that's pretty much all for right now. I don't really know how to keep going without rambling, so I'm just going to end it here.
DFTBA,
-Ash
Thursday, February 24, 2011
For Starters
Day 2:
I don't really know how to start this. Um... My name's Ashley, I'm 17, I live in a small town in North Carolina, and I have Trichotillomania. Just in case anyone doesn't know, Trichotillomania is a compusive disorder in which one has the urge to pull out one's own hair. Most people pull from either their head, eyebrows, eyelashes, pubic, arm, or leg hair, or a combination. I usually pull from my head, eyebrows, eyelashes, and only sometimes my pubic hair. I've had Trich for... 3... 4 years? Somewhere in there. I've only just recently really put forth an effort to fight this monster. The reason I'm making this blog, is because I want to document my progress. I want to brag to someone about my successes, and have a therapeutic outlet for my failures. I'm already marking down the days I've gone without pulling on my calendar, but this will give me a place to really talk through my struggle. Hopefully, I'll be able to make a post everyday and talk about how the day went; when I had an urge, if I acted on it... My inner monologue, if you will.
So, that's all for this post. I just wanted to get this introduction out of the way.
DFTBA,
-Ash
I don't really know how to start this. Um... My name's Ashley, I'm 17, I live in a small town in North Carolina, and I have Trichotillomania. Just in case anyone doesn't know, Trichotillomania is a compusive disorder in which one has the urge to pull out one's own hair. Most people pull from either their head, eyebrows, eyelashes, pubic, arm, or leg hair, or a combination. I usually pull from my head, eyebrows, eyelashes, and only sometimes my pubic hair. I've had Trich for... 3... 4 years? Somewhere in there. I've only just recently really put forth an effort to fight this monster. The reason I'm making this blog, is because I want to document my progress. I want to brag to someone about my successes, and have a therapeutic outlet for my failures. I'm already marking down the days I've gone without pulling on my calendar, but this will give me a place to really talk through my struggle. Hopefully, I'll be able to make a post everyday and talk about how the day went; when I had an urge, if I acted on it... My inner monologue, if you will.
So, that's all for this post. I just wanted to get this introduction out of the way.
DFTBA,
-Ash
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